Dutch animal noises

You’ve probably already experienced the mind-baffling moment when someone asks if animals from different countries speak different languages. Until recently, I thought that these people were infantile pillocks.

I seriously questioned the integrity of zoos whilst there are complete cocks like this walking free (although, sadly, not endangered). According to the Dutch, however, I was wrong: I was the ‘wild dier.’

We were biking out west towards Bourtange when we came across a field of cows. Some ‘mooed,’ so, out of politeness, I ‘mooed’ back. Screeeech. I narrowly avoided my Dutch friends who had abruptly stopped in front of me. ‘What did you say?’ they jeered. ‘Moo?’ I whimpered.
‘Cows say boo,’ they insisted.
Wait a second, I thought: ‘They’re not trying to scare us!’
‘Ghosts say boo, cows say moo!’
‘Cats say moo. Cows say boo. Ghosts go woo.’

Now I’m confused. They continue…

‘Birds go tjiep—’
‘I ate that at the Taj Mahal the other night—’
‘Pigs go knor—’
‘Knor?! And I suppose you’re going to tell me that mice don’t squeak?!’
‘Yup. They go piep!’
‘And donkey’s go I-A.’

So, in the Netherlands, cows talk like Brian Badonde, cats miauw instead of ‘meow’ (Dutch felines are apparently more well-spoken), donkeys use greetings such as ‘hiya,’ sheep go ‘bé bé’ not ‘baa baa’ (from listening to Bieber way too much), owls don’t hoot, but instead go ‘oe hoe’ (the Police receive many calls from women who claim that they’ve been abused by men hiding in trees), and pigs knor (honestly, the other ‘translations’ I can sort of understand, but knor?! For a PIG?!)

This list of animal linguistics was great, but there was one missing…

‘What does a fox say?’

They shook their heads in disgust before biking off. ‘The Dutch hate that song!’ they called back.

Yeah, right. That’s about as likely as a dog going ‘blaf!’…wait…